Sex is such a taboo topic in our country and our society. The more resources we have, the better. So getting to the point, “What is being sex positive?” We’ve seen Instagram reels about this, and there are sex-positive influencers talking about the importance of having a healthy sexual life. Even with all this information, it is perfectly valid to ask, “What is being sex-positive?”
We have the answers for you about sex positivity, being sex-positive, and ways to have a better and healthy sexual life! Here are our five points for you!
Being Sex Positive
Being sex-positive can be broadly defined as “having positive attitudes about sex and feeling comfortable with one’s own sexual identity and with the sexual behaviours of others.” Texas-based sex educator Goody Howard, in a Healthline article says, “Sex positivity is the idea that people should have space to embody, explore, and learn about their sexuality and gender without judgment or shame.”
It is really all about acceptance, whether it be about your body, your sexual desires, the importance of safe sex, your sexual identity or other people’s practises and desires. Embracing sex in a judgement-free way, which means anything about your gender identity, sexual kinks, or even porn-watching habits should not have any impact on whether you are sex-positive or not.
Decolonizing Sexuality
In an interview with Vogue, sex-positive content creator and actor Leeza Mangaldas says, “So many of the domineering and shame-laden attitudes around sexuality that we remain devoted to as if they are our culture, are actually a colonial inheritance.” Talking about our society’s perspective on sexuality before colonization, “Our society wasn’t always this attached to a rigidly binary conception of gender, compulsory heterosexuality, and the shame around pleasure.”
She further acknowledges how Indian culture does recognise sexuality as a fluid, beautiful, and celebratory part of life and encourages us to relook at our attitudes to decolonise our attitudes and rediscover our sex-positivity. Leeza also says, “navigating sex, and sexual health is complicated in the Indian space and the hush hush conversations around it make it worse!” While it should be safe, pleasurable, and consensual, there is an uncalled-for shame and an exaggerated curiosity.
Apart from Leeza Mangaldas, there are many other content creators that are making content around sex positivity, sexual health, and starting conversations around how to lead a healthy sexual life. Some of the other sex-positive influencers are Swati Jagdish (aka Maya’s Amma), Tanaya Narendra, Seema Anand, Apurupa Vatsalya and many others.
So, getting to the actual point of how one can be more sex positive, and lead a healthy sexual life, we have five points for you!
1. Normalise Sex
The very first and basic thing that one needs to do is normalise sex and the conversations around it. If sex is “an act of love or lust” and both are part of human nature, then where is the point of sex being ‘dirty’? One should not be made to feel like a slut for indulging in safe and consensual sex.
To be honest, sex happens, among college students, sometimes even before college. We don’t talk about it, but that doesn’t mean it does not happen. How many Indians are denied a proper “sex education” before they actually have sex for the first time? A massive number of us! And no, “learning” about sex from online resources (Read: P*rn), but “proper sex education” does not lead to a healthy sexual life or a sex-positive attitude.
Proper sex education should be medically accurate, culturally appropriate, and age-appropriate. Proper sex education has to include information on various forms of sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy prevention, and so much more. It should teach us how to ask for and give affirmative consent.
In an attempt to normalise these conversations (and so much more), the Netherlands, has “comprehensive sex education,” that starts as early as age 4, and by law, all primary school students in the country must receive some form of sexuality education.
Morally judging someone and saying talking about sex or having sex is ‘sinful’ is not the right way and it is harmful! One must realise that sex is a positive emotion and that conversations around sexual health are the best way to start normalising conversations around sex.
2. Communicate
Talking about sex and sexual experiences in a safe space, while among friends can be fun, educational, and positive. While it educates you on sex and related experiences that are not your own, it also breaks the taboo that one should not discuss it. It is a positive emotion, and the discomfort around it is broken when you start a conversation around sexual health and healthy sexual life while among friends.
This is an important step in normalising conversations and also gives an understanding that sex is a human act. Take time to learn from the experiences of those who don’t share the same preferences as you rather than generalising and assuming that the world works the same way as it works for you.
Globally, studies suggest that children who can talk to their parents or teachers about sex, sexuality, and sexual health are far more likely to delay having sex. They are also less likely to make harsh decisions, putting their own or another person’s health at risk. There is a lot of shame and silence around sex in the Indian context, and being sex positive is the way to normalise sex and remove the shame around it and the conversations about sex.
Talk to friends who have a different gender and sexual orientation or people who enjoy BDSM or fetishes. You will learn how many people enjoy different things. It helps you learn about others’ experiences and also see how others are embracing their sexuality, gender, and kinks!
At As You Are, we have a WE community where we encourage people to have conversations around their identity, gender and sexuality without being feeling judged or feel ashamed. The focus is to bring out the confidence so you can communicate openly with your partner(s) and embrace your identity and desires.
Communication about sex and sexual desires is also important while in a relationship or while in bed with someone you intend to have sex with. It is important to communicate, and to communicate clearly without assuming anything. All things aside, consent and safety while having sex is the most important thing and is one of the basics of being sex positive. You may have sexual desires at times, and in a healthy sexual relationship, you should be able to communicate openly with your partner(s) without feeling judged or ashamed.
3. Respect
There is a certain discomfort at the start, but a lasting comfort when you embrace the “weird” and also, as long as it is consensual, nothing is “weird”. You might think of a certain sexual practise as ‘weird’ but just because you don’t like it or you haven’t heard of it before doesn’t make anything “weird.”
Sexual shaming does show up in many places in our lives, for example, feeling shame about having a period, body shape or size, about our gender identity or sexual orientation, or being diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Most of these stem from our culture or religious beliefs, which are usually imparted to us while growing up or past experiences.
One should not be shamed for conversations around sex or sexual desires. Sex-positive education and conversations (mostly now happening via the sex-positive influencers) intended to assist individuals in understanding their relationship with themselves, their mind and sexual health. Shaming around sex, sexual health and sexual orientation has a huge impact on one’s mental health, especially for individuals from marginalised communities.
4. Shaming is a BIG no no
Historically, sex has been connected to value and virtue. People who talk about sex, or have sex beyond the rules set by cisgender heteronormative society are shamed for it. Masculine-identifying folks and men are taught in society to view sex as a conquest, while feminine-identifying folks and women are taught that their sexuality is something that needs to be protected (mostly by men) or hidden.
Women’s “value” and “purity” also tend to be defined by their equation with sex and “virginity,” and men are shamed for not “exploring” or knowing about sex and sexual health. With this kind of societal and cultural shaming around sexual health, some feminine-identifying folks and women feel ashamed of having an active sex drive, while men and masculine-identified folks are not taught to feel their emotions.
Adding to that, because of these harmful ideologies, men who might be asexual or queer tend to get bullied for not being interested in sex or not being interested in the opposite sex. Just because cisgender heteronormative society views sex, sexual activity, and other sexualities as morally wrong, doesn’t make it wrong, because to have sexual desires (or lack thereof) is to be human.
Sex-positive education is intended to assist individuals in healing their relationship with sex and sexual health. Having a space to talk about sex and sexual health can lead to a healthy sex life, and as you accept others’ needs, you as an individual will move closer to being more sex-positive. At As You Are, we have a WE community where we encourage people to have conversations around their identity, gender and sexuality in an effort to normalize sex, sexuality and gender identities.
5. Love Mindfully
Being sex positive is often about understanding intimacy, and intimacy is complex and complicated. And no, being sex positive does not mean you have to stick by other people’s ideals of what sexuality or sex means. You just have to respect what others’ preferences or desires are, but not force those ideas on yourself. So, in many ways, it is not just about respecting and accepting other people’s choices; it is also about embracing your own sexual desires and sexuality.
For queer individuals, societally, sex is made to feel like a shameful topic. This is one of the main focus of most sex-positive influencers, to normalise conversations around queerness, sexual pleasure and sex. Sexual orientation and gender identities (aside from those that fit into cisgender heteronormative society) were labelled as mental health disorders by Western medicine and colonial ideologies. There is also, of course, the religious perspective that shames anyone engaging in anything but cishet sex and labels them as sexual deviants. There is way too much hate and discrimination that queer people face in this country because of the lack of proper sexual education and conversations around sex and sexual health. Processes like conversion therapy that aren’t punishable or illegal in all regions of the country continue to project ideals that reinforce feelings of shame.
As hard as it seems to be, these harmful perspectives like shaming and taboo around sex and conversations around sex need to be unlearned, and the first step is to have a space to have these conversations. As You Are has a community and topics that address sexual taboos, sexuality, and sex-positive ideas.
No one is better if they choose not to have sex, or if they choose to have sex only with one partner, or if they have sex after they are married. If a partner or a friend describes their sexual desire or kink, and if you are not interested, that’s okay. What turns you on might not work for someone else, and we all have different preferences and interests in bed.
Conclusion
In conclusion, work to free yourself from this shame and unlearn the ways and practices that shame you. Allow yourself to feel comfortable about your sexual desires, talk about them in safe spaces, and give yourself the freedom to explore and enjoy these desires. Again, to have sexual desires (or lack thereof) is to be human!
